


The laws of Mark

by hope_calaris



Series: What being Mark's PA really means [2]
Category: Social Network (2010)
Genre: Fix-It, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-04
Updated: 2011-12-04
Packaged: 2017-10-26 21:20:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/288047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hope_calaris/pseuds/hope_calaris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannah has no idea whatsoever what working as Mark Zuckerbergs’ PA really means. (or: The five times Hannah had no clue about the laws of Mark and the one time that changed it all)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The laws of Mark

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** The moment unicorns are real, I make money with this.

_1\. Don’t remind Mark of Brazil_

Peter helps her move in, which basically means he moves some of his things about five inches to the left and expects her to fit her stuff into the resulting space.

“I don’t get why you want to work for this guy, anyway, Hannah,” he says once again when she finally made him help her carry the boxes into the house.

“It’s like the _perfect_ opportunity!” She tells him again. Sometimes it’s like her big brother never listens. “Like in that movie … what’s its name? The one with Anne Hathaway. If I just survive long enough working for him, I can work everywhere.”

“You mean _The Devil wears Prada_?” Peter asks and puts the box labeled _bedroom_ into the kitchen. She refrains from hitting him with her running trainers.

“I will just ignore your disturbingly vast knowledge about movies and say _yes_.”

“Still … Personal Assistant of Mark Zuckerberg?” He grimaces at her like she’ll wander into an office infested with the plague.

“Oh shut up. You work for _Apple_!”

“Which is not the Evil Empire you like to make it out to be!” Peter protests. “Only because your laptop is too slow to have iTunes running properly -- “

“It’s not only that it constantly crashes my laptop! That they _force_ me to use it is the problem.”

“But you love your iPod.”

Over the box in her arms she throws an irritated look at him. “Of course! You gave it to me as a present,” she reminds him.

“Because I knew you’d love it,” he says with a smirk and ducks to the side when the trainers come flying.

Two hours later she’s moved all her stuff inside, tries to ignore the nagging doubt if moving in with her brother was such a brilliant idea and settles with a cold beer next to him on the couch.

“So … do you really think I’m making a mistake?”

Peter stops flipping through the channels to look at her, a soft smile on his lips. “Naah, you survived five brothers and four years in college, you’re going to be fine,” he says and ruffles her hair. “But you probably shouldn’t wear your shirt with the Brazilian flag around him.”

“Huh?” She shoves his hand away and tilts her head. That shirt was a present from a childhood friend back when Brazilian’s national team still played the best soccer in the world.

“Really? You have no idea?” Peter exhales a long-suffering sigh, boots his laptop and spends the next few hours showing her everything about the infamous lawsuit of Saverin vs. Facebook, which has been settled three weeks ago.

\---

 _2\. Mark is still friends with Eduardo_

She has to admit it, she doesn’t _get_ Mark. Maybe that is because she’s never met somebody like him before, so focused on his task that he probably could melt the computer screen with his intense stare and he reminds her of Cyclops from the X-Men. However, only because he’s somewhat of a new life-form for her doesn’t mean that she can’t adapt. She’s great in adapting, after all.

She screens Mark’s calls and learns fairly early on to forward most of them to Chris because Mark is a genius with code, but he’s awful when left unattended while talking to some investors. She develops a healthy distaste for Red Bull, and every other drink she brings Mark is water or tea. He yells at her for three minutes when he finally notices, but she yells right back at him that he can get his own drinks if he so pleases. Dustin looks like he’s about to high-five her when she walks out of Mark’s office that day. Not that she could live with her conscience if she didn’t bring Mark something to drink and eat now and then, because he is horrible at keeping track of his more basic needs and she really doesn’t want her employer to die of dehydration or malnutrition.

That’s why she’s still in the office even though it’s already close to midnight. These are normal hours for Facebook employers, she tells Peter when he shakes his head and threatens to call Mom. Peter shuts up when she tells him she knows who dented their mom’s car two years ago on the fire hydrant. And anyway, she doesn’t mind the hours and in her own way she’s starting to become fond of Mark. He pays her an obscene amount of money and once he’s seen her well-loved, but also worn laptop he sends her a new one through the hardware department and makes it look as if he had nothing to do with it. She rewards him with a whole day of Red Bull supply without the interruption of water or tea.

He’s still coding in his office and one of her golden rules is that under no circumstances will she be as crazy as he is and stay around after midnight, but they have a big app launch coming next week and everybody’s going a bit crazy, most of all Mark. She’d really like to send him home, but she’s not there yet with her power of persuasion, so instead she goes to the kitchen and makes him some tuna sandwiches. She grabs a bottle of water on her way back to Mark’s office and puts it and the sandwiches next to Mark’s computer.

And then the weirdest thing happens.

“Thanks, Wardo,” Mark mutters. She has her hand still around the neck of the water bottle and for a moment she freezes, because this? This is the last thing she expected to hear from him.  And then he notices who’s really standing there and his mouth opens a little before he stares at the screen once more, his cheek turning pink. Her heart may break a little, but Mark continues to ignore her when she puts a handful of red vines next to the plate with the sandwiches and leaves for the night.

\---

 _3\. Mark is miserable without Eduardo_

She’s not sure Mark actually goes home these nights, but she’s had enough. She won’t have a job if he dies and no matter what Peter says, she actually likes working for Mark and Facebook. Last week Chris sent her flowers because she made her boss shower and dress properly for an investor meeting. Since then it has been going downhill with him, though, and she’s furious at herself that it took her three days to figure out why. It’s March, that’s why, and March 19 is fast approaching and it seems like Mark is actually trying to make his brain forget Eduardo’s birthday via sleep deprivation.

It’s ridiculous and she wants to shake some sense into him, but Mark doesn’t like to be touched, so she doesn’t. Instead she uses her accumulated knowledge of his subtle tells that show he’s just saved some finished coding and switches the power supply off when he scratches his left ear. She waits for his swearing to diminish in strength before she enters his office.

“Time to take you home,” she says. “I have your car waiting for you.”

He narrows his bloodshot eyes when he looks at her. He obviously ponders accusing her of meddling with the power, but eventually he thinks better of it. Probably because he’s more or less swaying on his feet and she has to grab his elbow while they leave the office.

“You know … ” she says nonchalantly, “I think it would be good for PR if Facebook sent Mr. Saverin a birthday present. He’s on the masthead after all, and everybody could sign a card or something.” She’s as unsubtle as Peter’s flirting with the waitress in their favorite coffee shop in Palo Alto, but it does the trick.

Mark hesitates for a moment, but finally he nods. “Yeah … sure. Just buy something nice and give me the card to sign.” She smiles when she closes the car door behind him and gives the driver the signal to go.

\---

 _4\. Eduardo still cares about Mark_

She nearly drops her tea cup when she opens her mail account on March 20.

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _Subject: Birthday present_

 _Dear Ms Shaw_   
_  
_

_please tell the staff of Facebook that I appreciate the gift and the card very much._   
_  
_

_Yours sincerely_

 _Eduardo Saverin_   
_  
_

_PS: Please tell Mr. Moskovitz that his stick-figure wasn’t appropriate for any kind of card._

 

She doesn’t know if she’s supposed to smile or cry. She likes the sliver of humor in an otherwise entirely formal mail, but it’s weird that Eduardo doesn’t complain to Dustin about his screwed sense of humor in person. And she’s probably overstepping like a hundred invisible agreements, but she writes back.

 _to <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _from <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _Subject: Birthday present_

 _Dear Mr. Saverin_   
_  
_

_I’m Mr. Zuckerberg’s Personal Assistant and that’s more than enough work, I’m not forwarding your message to Dustin. Tell him yourself ( <Dustin.Moskovitz@facebook.com>)._   
_  
_

_Sincerely_

 _Hannah Shaw_

When she tells Peter he suggests she better go looking for another job and starts to mark job offers in the newspaper. She growls at him and eats the last of his favorite cereals out of spite. She’s not going to lose her job over this … she hopes. Anyway, Mark has no idea what’s going on and Dustin isn’t the type to fire anyone who does his job. And that she does. She goes into Mark’s office and closes the door behind her.

“Mr. Saverin says thanks for the present and the card. He thinks they’re lovely,” she tells Mark and crosses her fingers behind her back. It can’t hurt to make everything sound less stilted, though.

“Oh … yes, er … thanks for taking care of that,” Mark says slowly.

“Of course, he’s a co-founder of Facebook after all,” she replies with a smile. Sometimes it’s really great to work for one of the most socially stumped person walking the earth, because of course Mark knows something’s up, but he can’t find the right words to accuse her of anything disloyal.

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _Subject: Birthday present_

  
 _Dear Ms Shaw_

 _I apologize if I in any way offended you. I’m sure you do an excellent job as Mr. Zuckerberg’s PA._

 _Yours sincerely_

 _Eduardo Saverin_

 

She cringes when she reads this. Mr. Zuckerberg? Is that even real? She writes him a short mail back that she’s not offended, but one week before the shareholder meeting things gets even weirder.

 

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _Subject: Shareholder meeting_

 

 _Dear Ms Shaw,_   
_  
_

_I’m sure you’re aware of Mr. Parker’s intention of holding an after-party the day of the shareholder meeting. In regards to the company’s image I advise you to make sure that all women attending are at least 21. And should Mr. Zuckerberg decide to attend, have a car ready to go at any moment, because Mr. Parker’s parties have the unfortunate tendency to be cut short by the police. Again, it’s bad PR for the company if its CEO is present for such an event._   
_  
_

_Yours sincerely_

 _Eduardo Saverin_

She stares at the mail for a whole minute. Then she wants to hit the desk with her head really hard before she writes him back.

 

 _to <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _from <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _Subject: Shareholder meeting_

 _Dear Mr. Saverin_   
_  
_

_Thank you for your advice. I’ll talk to security about age verification and will make it clear to Mr. Parker that we don’t tolerate such behavior._   
_  
_

_Sincerely_

 _Hannah Shaw_

 

\---

 _5\. Actually, Mark and Eduardo and everybody else are morons._   
_  
_

Four days before the meeting and the world has gone crazy. She gets bombarded with mails from all sides and it’s utterly ridiculous.

 

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Dustin.Moskovitz@facebook.com>_

 _Subject: You’re my lifesaver_

 _Hi,_   
_  
_

_does HE know that Wardo is coming? If not, can you tell HIM? PLEAAAAASE??? Ö.Ö_

  
__

__

_to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Dustin.Moskovitz@facebook.com>_

 _Subject: Traitor_

 _It’s not nice to go and complain to Chris for making you do my work! (And no, HE is not GOD … I’m not crazy and call Mark God)_

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Dustin.Moskovitz@facebook.com>_

 _Subject: My sincerest apologies_

 _Sorry, okay? You probably saw me telling HIM the news five minutes ago. Now it’s your job to get HIM home sometime tonight._

 

She sighs, because Dustin is right and it won’t be easy to get Mark off his computer tonight. She probably needs to use the old “tripped over the cord”-trick again. The more Mark surprises her when he gets out of his office at ten in the evening and whishes her a good night. She grabs for her cell when she watches him leave and texts Peter “Everyone’s gone batshit crazy!” Peter just laughs at her when she gets home and says it comes with the territory.

It doesn’t get better the next morning.

 

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Mark.Zuckerberg@facebook.com>_

 _Subject: Caterer_

 _Make sure they don’t serve shellfish. NO SHELLFISH._

 

That’s probably the most confusing message of all the messages Mark has sent her so far, and he’s sent her four pages of code by accident one time. It’s also the third mail with basically the same content from him that morning. She gets it. No shellfish. What she doesn’t get is why he is so adamant that they ban shellfish when he likes tuna.  

 

 _to <Mark.Zuckerberg@facebook.com>_

 _from <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _Subject: Caterer_

 _I GET IT. No shellfish. Anything else you want me to forward to the caterer? And no, we won’t forego the hors d’oeuvre. Chris made that very clear._

 __

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Mark.Zuckerberg@facebook.com>_

 _Subject: Caterer_

 _Make sure they have enough alcohol. These meetings are boring as hell._

The next time she gets Mark something to drink it’s water because he gets on her nerves.

And then there’s Eduardo and that’s the thing she really doesn’t understand, because these guys don’t _talk_ to each other and she can’t wear one of her favorite shirts because of him. He writes her mails nevertheless. One mail after the other and if it weren’t so heartbreaking in their uncertainty she’d laugh out loud.

 

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _Subject: Shareholder meeting_

 

 _Dear Ms Shaw_   
_  
_

_I’m sorry for the short notice, but I won’t be able to attend the meeting. My apologies._   
_  
_

_Yours sincerely_

 _Eduardo Saverin_

She’s about to go and tell Mark when she gets the next one.

 

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _Subject: Shareholder meeting_

 

 _Dear Ms Shaw_   
_  
_

_It seems like there was a mix-up in my schedule and I will be able to attend the meeting after all._   
_  
_

_Yours sincerely_

 _Eduardo Saverin_

She frowns, but eventually decides to go with the flow. Until her mail account blinks again.

 

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _Subject: Shareholder meeting_

  _  
_

 _Yours sincerely_

 _Eduardo Saverin_

 

And yes, that mail _is_ empty. She growls and is close to send a mail to everybody to leave her alone, because they’re all morons and just should talk to each other.

 

 _to <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _from <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _Subject: Shareholder meeting_

 _One last time: are you coming or not?_   
_  
_

_Hannah_

 _to <Hannah.Shaw@facebook.com>_

 _from <Eduardo.Saverin@gmail.com>_

 _Subject: Shareholder meeting_

 

 _I’m coming. Promise._   
_  
_

_Yours sincerely_

 _Eduardo Saverin_

This last message and that Sean Parker of all people offers to take the order to the caterer are the highlights of her day.

 _  
_

\---  
 _  
_ _6\. Life as Mark’s PA is so much easier with Eduardo around_ _  
_

“Seriously, if I had known this all along I would have started a mailing list or something else to make Wardo come back way earlier.”

“Wardo?” Peter asks with a raised eyebrow. “You call him Wardo?”

“Mark does, and I’m Mark’s PA. I’m pretty sure it’s somewhere in my contract that I get to call Eduardo Wardo,” she replies and smiles brightly at Peter from the deckchair she’s lounging in. It’s her day off and it’s the first time in five months she’s not worried that Mark will forget to eat or drink because she’s not there. He has Wardo now. The sun shines down from a perfect blue sky and she can’t believe how easier her job had gotten in the past few weeks. Mark remembers to eat and drink and it’s not only Red Bull and red vines, and he goes home at reasonable hours, which means that Hannah actually has time to go to the movies with this guy from accounting now.

“So this Wardo is back and everything’s rainbows and roses?” Peter wants to know and hands her a marguerita.

“Well, they had this one fight in Mark’s office two days back … I think he wanted Wardo to get involved in Facebook again. That didn’t get over so well.”

“Shit, trouble in paradise already?”

“Naah … they left the office together and tried really hard to be sneaky about their handholding. It was actually quite adorable.”

“Eeew. Too much information, lil sis.”

“C’mon and try to be thankful that I have less to do and earn more money.”

“You got a pay raise out of this?”

“What can I say?” She smirks. “Mark is really happy.”

“Life is unfair,” he pretends to complain, but his smile gives him away.

[fin]


End file.
